Saturday, March 11, 2006

Brother, can you spare $200,000?

   If you can afford this bus, then you probably shouldn't have it, is my point of view. It should either be sent to the Smithsonian or "miracled" to the next hippie that shuffles by on their way to the organic foods co-op.
   Named "Sugar Magnolia" by the Dead, it was fifth in the tour caravan
from 1967 to 1985 and the site, reportedly, of many after show parties. (Ya Think?)
   If you don't think you can afford the bus, you could just pick up another poignant piece of memorabilia like the online Golden Palace casino did. They bought four of Jerry's toilets. Weird, even if it was for charity.
   Also disturbing are the licensing of Jerry's name to a new line of herbal teas, and the presence of dead sound boards on iTunes for $12.99 per show. Also slightly anachronistic, but something I would use if I wasn't able to create my own mobile phone ringtones, is this site which offers a hell of a lot of Grateful Dead ringtones.
   In related news, you should check out Why Psychedelic Music Makes Me Think of Guns by Bart Schaneman in the Portland Mercury. He talks about grabbing a rifle when he hears hippie music. What a dick. So I sent the following letter to the editor of the Mercury.

Why violent editorials make me think of fuckheads

Deep breath. Count to 10.

Okay, I understand free speech, but why would you run a commentary where a guy admits that psychedelic music makes him want to kill people? "Why Psychedelic Music Makes Me Think of Guns" By Bart Schaneman" Do you think he was reaching for a rifle to do anything other than kill another human being? Even metaphorically? Do those who maintain the values of a peaceful era of non-violent protest, and who are sometimes admittedly hedonistic and detached from reality deserve death? Nice job letting the "kill the hippies" crowd get their voice out. Excellent way to be progressive. What's next, why Morrisey makes me want bash gays with my skateboard? Why Cristian Music makes me want to kill pregnant teens?

Fuck you and your fucking lack of editorial judgement,

Print that you piece of shit,

Chad Richins
Albany, Oregon

A little strong. Might even undermine my point a bit, but damn it felt good.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Bush wants line-item veto tool to reduce government waste

Looking slightly haggard in his fifth year as Caliph of the Western Capitalist Suyndicate, American President George Bush announced yesterday that he will introduce legislation to congress that would increase yet again the powers of the executive branch of the United States government.
   At a routine Washington swearing-in ceremony, Bush said he expects this version of the long sought-after presidential pen power will pass muster with congress and the newly re-oriented Supreme Court.
   In a stunning affront to decency, Bush, whose decisions have cost the country billions upon billions of dollars in the last five years, reportedly said the line-item veto proposal would help “reduce wasteful spending, reduce the budget deficit and ensure that taxpayer dollars are spent wisely.”
   Incredibly, as soon as Bush spoke those words, a juvenile marmot emerged from the presidents mouth, stole away the president's microphone and, in a deep, other-worldly voice, began to foresage the end of the world in an obscure Aramiac dialect. One scholarly translation of the marmot's rant, published today, reads in part " who elect devils to be your voices will in the end earn the suffering of eternal vexation..." Another passage may have been a reference to 80s pop icon Debbie Gibson, but the mysterious marmot escaped secret service agents and is still at large.